Saturday, May 2, 2009

Caps-Pens Preview: Hate Everything



Hate Sidney Crosby... because he's the poster boy nobody wanted. He whines, he doesn't square up when he fights, and he sucks in air through his teeth during interviews.

Hate Alex Ovechkin... because he's a blank slate, someone that gets lauded for not sticking to cliches only because he doesn't speak English. Also, he head hunts and doesn't backcheck.

Hate Evgeni Malkin... because his head looks like a block of wood and he enjoys elbowing people without consequence.

Hate Marc-Andre Fleury... because his name is Marc-Andre Fleury. Don't you have a joust to get to or some peasants to beat, you landed fuck?

Hate Simeon Varlamov... because his name was spelled "Semen" when he was drafted but they made up some fake excuse to change it so he could save some embarrassment. Fuck that, I want my jokes!

Hate Mike Green.... because he's 23 and he's going to win the Norris and I'm 23 and once pissed myself after drinking with a guy named Norris. Also, his hair.

Hate Sergei Gonchar... because he signed a massive 5-year, $25 million dollar deal that everyone laughed at and then lived up to it.

Hate Sergei Fedorov... because he has boned Anna Kournikova and now he looks like he has AIDS or tuberculosis.

Hate Brooks Orpik... because his name is Brooks. The hell is up with that?

Hate Donald Brashear... because he is a cheap-shotting trogolodyte that has no business in the NHL. Also, he ended Marty McSorley's career. (I'm not saying what Marty did was right, but I think we all know that Brashear probably deserved it.)

Hate Bruce Boudreau... because he was the AHL coach for the Kings when they were looking for a coach right after the lockout, but Dean Lombardi went with Marc Crawford instead. That's not really Bodreau's fault, but then again I'm stupid so there.

Hate Alexander Semin... because he's a Russian stereotype and generally deserves all the criticism that Ovechkin gets.

Hate Nicklas Backstrom... because he gets too much credit for passing to Ovechkin. Also, he looks like a lesbian.

Hate Brooks Laich... Goddammit, another Brooks?!? Where the hell are these people getting their names?

Hate Jordan Staal... because people are lazy and say, "Crosby, Malkin and Staal" when it should be, "Crosby, Malkin... and then that one weird albino with the pinhead." Also, hate him because Penguins fans refuse to admit they made a mistake drafting him instead of Jonathan Toews or Phil Kessel because he plays defense, which is like saying, "Yeah, I'm glad I went blind because now I have a good sense of touch." Wait, it's not like that at all. Moving on...

Hate Eric Fehr... because I don't know who he is but I'm sure he's a jerk. (Fehr: Hey, I just got here, what's going on?)

Hate Chris Kunitz... because he looks like a Garbage Pail Kid and he'll always have that Anaheim Duck stink to him. Plus, he's leeched off better players his whole career. To quote Hunter Thompson: "He was just another noisy little punk in the great legion of punks who marched between the banners of bigger and better men."

Hate Jose Theodore... because I'm pretty sure he once had sex with Paris Hilton.

Hate Bill Guerin... because he has 3 30-goal seasons in his life. Does that seem low? If it does it's because he scored 40 goals one season and then signed with Dallas, where everyone forgot about him and assumed he was good. He's not. He is a weiner and he looks like a monkey and I don't know why people still know his name.

Hate Mathieu Garon... oh, you can't hate Mathieu Garon. His story is a Greek tragedy.

Hate the Capitals and the Pengu..ins. because no one ever shuts up about them. Including me.

Prediction: Penguins in 6. Everyone hypes up Crosby vs. Ovechkin while Malkin quietly throws up 10 points.


  1. Also, I think all the Brooks names stem from Herb Brooks. Not to ruin your joke or anything :)